082. spring

As the world is moving towards Spring and soon, Summer, I'll be moving onto Autumn and Winter, again. Blame it on Australia's location on the map, down under and on the other side of the world, but I'm not complaining. My mind set has been like this for years. The seasons that only exist to me are  Autumn and Winter. I absolutely hate summer, I don't entirely hate Spring because it's still quite chilly but as it gets warmer, the more my mood fluctuates.

Lately, I've been feeling very disconnected from the world. I get turned off easily by people. I've turned down quite a number of meet ups with friends because 1. I don't want to hear their bullshit 2. I really hate their guts 3. They bore me. Honestly, I don't want to hear another story of Kpop or where they go to shop and lastly, how "different" they are from everyone else. I just don't want to hear shit. I've been enjoying the silence quite a bit. 

I don't know if its because I am getting better but back when my anxiety was at its' peak, I would be so afraid of the dark and silence, I would get panic attacks whenever I woke up in the middle of the night when my music has ended its' run and the lights would be turned off by someone because I am "wasting" electricity. I've grown to enjoy the dark and silence and its been a long time since I've felt so at peace.

I've been having problems with focusing on my work and getting the job done. I try to sit down every night and paint for a bit but my concentration would be gone after just an hour compared to I could just sit in the room all day and paint my life away. So I try to watch more films and continue reading my books again, it would get better but just for a little while. After the effects wear off, I can't concentrate again. I don't know if I should take a break from art and let my mind just wander off... But if I don't do art, I would have nothing left and I will be utterly depressed again. 

I feel stuck and confused. Been a week since I've listened to my favorite bands. Somehow, I still don't feel like listening to them. I have a doctor's appointment later, let's see how it goes from there.

081. fridays

On Friday evenings, you will find little sis and I at one of the restaurants at Holland Village, talking too loudly and possibly making fun of Singaporeans while having our dinner. Since little sis has started University, we've been back to Holland Village more frequently. 

I've missed all the little restaurants, cafes and bars there. I spent most of my weekends there as a child and in my pre teen days at Dad's Steak House, demanding too much food off the menu, garlic bread, mushroom soup, escargot, oysters, there would always be a battle in my head when deciding on the main course. Steak? (Dad's best), Ribs? (Most sold at the restaurant but you'd get your hands and mouth all dirty) Cod Fish? (So I wouldn't put on weight) Seafood pasta? (Brainwashed by my guardian on how good it actually is) Lamb? (But I already can't decide on anything why put lamb into the mix?), mashed potato or fries and cream spinach would always come along with any of these except for the pasta. After dinner, mom would take us to Haagen Dazs for dessert. I always chose more than one flavour of ice cream. Now can you understand why I used to be overweight? 

Unfortunately, after a good decade of business of the restaurant, Dad had to close it down because the rent was getting too high. He hardly made any profit from the restaurant in the last 2 years. I've missed his food so much. I would almost do anything so I could have it all again but maybe this time, eat moderately so I wouldn't be fat.

Going back to Holland Village has some kind of nostalgia for me. I still enjoy my time there even if the restaurant has been replaced by some cheap bar. The week before, we tried the Mexican food and it wasn't too bad. Melbourne's Taco Bill is still better. Last week, we tried the Vietnamese, I wanted to die. The broth and pho had hardly any taste and the spring rolls were not Vietnamese at all. This is when I tell you I miss home because Melbourne has the best food, especially Vietnamese.

Both of us tried to make up with desserts. Little sis knew of a hidden well known cupcake shop, so we tried to locate it. When we arrived, there were hardly any cupcakes left except for a few banana chocolate and hazelnut sitting nicely on the counter waiting for us. In the end, we bought two of each. 

We found a nice spot outside Holland Village, under a tree. Both of us gently took out the cupcakes from the box and counted to three, so that we would have it at the same time. It was heavenly. I'm not a big fan of cupcakes so if I say I enjoyed these entirely, it means they're really good. 

Agressive cupcake eater.

After dinner, we made our way to town for some window shopping and we always end our Friday browsing books at Kinokuniya. Okay, I'm always the one browsing and little sis would be patiently waiting for me to be done. 

This Friday, we'd be there again. Hopefully, the next restaurant we're going to won't be as bad as the last. If it is, well, we have cupcakes to make up for the horrible meal. 

080. mika nitta

"Watching"

"Listening"

"Accepting"

ink, pen on watercolor paper

http://nini.chakin.com/

079. bestest

078. still

[ x ]

i feel like i am losing grip. 

building up those walls again between me and the rest of the world. 

slipping into comfortable routines.

hiding myself.

lost again in a world of my own.