145. this mess

I've been spending some time away from my place because of the things that have been happening recently.

Sunday I went down to Hiyoshi to meet up with Yuri because I really needed to talk to someone, or rather, just have someone with me. We didn't plan on it but we spent the night out just near her place, talking about guys and love in general. Sometimes, I feel so stupid to even talk about that subject but she's the only one I could ever talk to about or as she call it, boy troubles.

We were sitting near the spot where we were at Christmas last year and I felt so nostalgic remembering how happy we were making wishes and eating Christmas cake on that winter night. We were freezing our asses off but we were so happy, because all we needed was each other. I wish we could be like that again but our lives have changed so much.

We stayed out till about 3am and went back to her place and knocked out at about 4am but being me, I couldn't sleep till about 6am. 

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The next day, I still didn't want to leave her so we just talked some more at her place and decided to go to Shibuya in the evening. We decided to go to a cafe we haven't been before and had basil chicken paninis! It was really good since we didn't want to do the usual stuff. After that, we were thinking of going somewhere else but gave up on that idea and settled at Tower Records Cafe once again. We were getting sleepy by about 11pm and decided to walk to the train station.

But when we got to the train station, Yuri came up with the craziest idea and asked me if I wanted to stay out for another night. I was a little hesitant because I didn't get enough sleep but I was like "fuck ittttt". So we went to the konbini and got some alcohol first, and slowly walked down to Harajuku, sharing the bottle. I got a pack of cigarettes again but I think this time, I'm really done with smoking. Those cancer sticks don't make me happy anymore.

I didn't notice but I was drinking a lot and so fast, I got buzzed so quickly and everything started spinning. So I decided to stop, and Yuri and I were just sitting around Cat Street and talking where I got so upset (thanks to the alcohol), and started cursing and venting to her about that guy. I was showing her all the text messages he sent and was half crying because I didn't know what else to feel.

After being a while at Harajuku, we decided to walk back to Shibuya to go to Rockaholic. On the way there, a bunch of random guys approached us and asked us to get drinks with them. We were hesitant and since they said one drink, we just thought, why not. I really wasn't in the mood to entertain people to be perfectly honest. So I kept quiet most of the time. Then when they asked if we had boyfriends, I just kept quiet again. After the drinks, Yuri and I still wanted to go to Rockaholic, so two of the guys followed us but later on decided they wanted to head back. (Glad they did lol)

Once inside Rockaholic, Yuri asked me if I wanted to go to another bar where she went with this guy. And I said sure since we weren't really feeling Rockaholic either. So when we got there, Yuri introduced me to the staff and they were so nice. When Yuri went to the bathroom, they asked me which band I liked and of course I said lynch. and they asked me which song and I said Until I Die, and they played it for me. They were sooooo nice and I really appreciated it because I've never been to any bar in Japan where they played lynch. and of course, since I was trying to get over stuff, lynch. is the number one thing I always run to, to block out emotions. It was so nice to just drink, smoke and listen to them. They even played my all time favorite, an illusion. Really thankful Yuri brought me there and the guys left.

We were drinking there till the first train, and I really liked the bar. But I really don't think I would go there with anyone else, only Yuri. This is one of the few things that we like to keep to ourselves.

Yuri was a little tipsy after that, so I was taking care of her as we walked to the train station, and finally headed home. I was so tired when I got home but even after a nice hot shower, I still couldn't sleep. I didn't fall asleep until about 8am.

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On Tuesday, got up and was having so much fun talking to Yuri about the past and how we first started talking to each other on Skype when the guy I spent two nights to get over (and was completely over), texted me to go to his show and support his band. At that moment,  I was so mad again because he always does this. When I am completely over him, he always comes around. This is the second or I think maybe even the third time he has done this.

So, I went to the event and after that, we created a mess out of things and only made things more complicated than it should be. I was talking again to Yuri once I got back home. I am honestly so angry at him because it is entirely his fault and I'm glad he realises it and apologised. I don't know what to make out of it and even after all the mess we have created, I still don't want to lose him. I've never been more honest to myself and especially on this blog.

This morning I woke up and felt like horrible when I didn't even do anything wrong. It just reminded me of the situation I was in two years ago with another guy that I really cared about, the only difference is that, that guy didn't apologise and jumped to conclusions, but at the end of the day, I still regretted not trying to get him back in my life. That guy was the only one that understood me so well, and made me feel things I've never felt for anyone in a long time.

With the current one, it's almost the same and I tell myself it's so stupid to still want him in my life but it would be stupider to just let him go because I know and I've learnt from my mistake that I'll regret if I don't do something about it. Right now, we are in this limbo where we don't know what we are and thanks to him for making things more complicated than it actually was. I'm so confused, I've been pacing up and down the house for the entire day with my music on so loud trying to get over him but I just can't.