082. spring

As the world is moving towards Spring and soon, Summer, I'll be moving onto Autumn and Winter, again. Blame it on Australia's location on the map, down under and on the other side of the world, but I'm not complaining. My mind set has been like this for years. The seasons that only exist to me are  Autumn and Winter. I absolutely hate summer, I don't entirely hate Spring because it's still quite chilly but as it gets warmer, the more my mood fluctuates.

Lately, I've been feeling very disconnected from the world. I get turned off easily by people. I've turned down quite a number of meet ups with friends because 1. I don't want to hear their bullshit 2. I really hate their guts 3. They bore me. Honestly, I don't want to hear another story of Kpop or where they go to shop and lastly, how "different" they are from everyone else. I just don't want to hear shit. I've been enjoying the silence quite a bit. 

I don't know if its because I am getting better but back when my anxiety was at its' peak, I would be so afraid of the dark and silence, I would get panic attacks whenever I woke up in the middle of the night when my music has ended its' run and the lights would be turned off by someone because I am "wasting" electricity. I've grown to enjoy the dark and silence and its been a long time since I've felt so at peace.

I've been having problems with focusing on my work and getting the job done. I try to sit down every night and paint for a bit but my concentration would be gone after just an hour compared to I could just sit in the room all day and paint my life away. So I try to watch more films and continue reading my books again, it would get better but just for a little while. After the effects wear off, I can't concentrate again. I don't know if I should take a break from art and let my mind just wander off... But if I don't do art, I would have nothing left and I will be utterly depressed again. 

I feel stuck and confused. Been a week since I've listened to my favorite bands. Somehow, I still don't feel like listening to them. I have a doctor's appointment later, let's see how it goes from there.