078. still

[ x ]

i feel like i am losing grip. 

building up those walls again between me and the rest of the world. 

slipping into comfortable routines.

hiding myself.

lost again in a world of my own.

yesterday i finally got out of the house to meet mad and it felt so good to see her healthy again. the last time i saw her was when i visited her in the hospital about a month ago. sometimes i feel like im going to lose her. and most of the time i think "why did this happen to her? why?" life's unfair. she's a genuinely  good person with a kind heart and soul. she's always been there for me since the days of lasalle. ive always loved her so much as a friend, always touched by how pure hearted she is, always so intrigued by her interests. i love how she understands me so well, i don't even have to explain anything and she just knows. only few people can read me like an open book. my sister, my mother, steph and mad.

"you're unpredictable. all of a sudden you're getting piercings so if you're getting tattoos, i'm not surprised. but wtf why alice in wonderland? unpredictable."

she thought i got alice in wonderland tattoos on my legs. well, i didnt it was just my tattoo leggings i got recently from tokyo. haha. did give her a scare there. lol. 

whenever i meet her, its like... i feel the world is a little less cruel. 

i miss steph. i havent seen her since november. ive known her even longer. by this year, ive already known her for ten years. i cant wait to spend some time with her in may in the philippines. oh yes, i will be leaving here again on 26th may for a week to spend some time with her. i cant wait for it.

personally, i feel like im slipping into comfortable routines. im still on medication but i dont want to keep relying on those hard to swallow pills. the medication makes me so sleepy. all i do is sleep, get up and draw, listen to some music or discover new films. i want to start doing something different. the other day, i went to galleries to get some advice on how to make it in the "art world". now i know how to do it, i need to continue practicing more and when i know i am good enough, send out my pieces. art is the only thing that makes me happy. i cant see myself doing anything else for the rest of my life. art is all i want to do. i have to push myself even more for now on. ganbatte.

ive been home most of the time and feeling like ive no where left to go.  its tiring to feel this way. its sickening to keep thinking and thinking and thinking. i need to start now or else i never will.

things lately : lynch. helter skelter. snakes and earrings. we need to talk about kevin. ezra miller. mushrooms. crystals. redecorating my room. fairy tail. playing with stray cats. i still want to go back to tokyo.

ps. from now on typing like this in personal entries. too tired of making everything perfect.