152. lemonade

Met up with Hajime today to go to Odaiba, we didn't do anything much but roamed around and eat. Gundam, Venus Fort, Starbucks, Strange Love ♡, Diver City, Ramen, Aqua City, Decks then we went back at about 9ish because he was going to meet up with some friends at Shinjuku later in the night. 

He gave me these really cute pair of Moomin socks, I won't wear it but I'll definitely think of a way to use it. We were chilling at Starbucks at Venus Fort but there were so many annoying couples that we had to keep moving around. Also, went to my favourite, Strange Love, and the girl staff that's always there was talking to us. I was saying 久しぶり〜 and she thought my Japanese improved a lot but lol, it didn't. Maybe　ちゅっと？ She's so cute, I swear I keep forgetting to ask for her name. We walked to the Ferris Wheel too, passing by Zepp Tokyo where The Birthday was having a live. On the way to DiverCity, we watched cars drifting on the race track in front of Venus Fort. I've never seen it before so, I was really happy. 

Hajime managed to get some presents for his family and friends back in Chicago at DiverCity, after that brought him to my usual ramen place, and we went down to the beach later on at night because he was taking photos with his film camera and told me that the little boats on the water reminded him of the ones in Spirited Away, now I feel like watching it all over again.

It's strange, the people you meet online turn out to be the best people you'll ever meet. Come to think of it, I also met Steph, who I've known for 10 years, online too. Indirectly at least. 

July is coming to an end already and thinking about how crazy this month has been makes me feel relieved, lonely and glad at the same time. All the things that happened - in the beginning of it to the end - drinking to drown another heart break, then got hurt again right after, attending little sister's graduation, being back home with the family, my birthday, meeting new and old friends and then suddenly... everyone's leaving.

Maybe that's why I can't go to sleep lately, I feel lonely when I think about it. All the important things to me are slowly disappearing, people I love are going to be faraway. I don't know how to deal with it and I just feel so lost. I'll take some time to figure out the things I want again, I need change. Change will be good for me. Currently looking for inspiration all over again, and once my schedule clears up, I need to find a job and concentrate on myself and my art again. 

Fell in love with CocoRosie's Lemonade while looking through one of my favorite artist's instagram feed. It has been on repeat for the entire night.

xoxo.

151. twenty five

It was my birthday on Friday, but I met up with Yuri on the 17th to countdown. I slowly made my way to Hiyoshi from Ikebukuro after hanging out a bit with Hajime since he was in the area. Yuri and I went to get sushi for dinner and walked down to Tsurumi Gawa, we stopped by Donki Quijote on the way to get sparklers, but we ended up also getting a little box of fireworks and bubbles! It was quite a long walk to the river but it was well worth it.

When the clock stroke 12, she sang happy birthday to me and lit a candle of the little cake she bought earlier on and told me to blow out the candle to make a wish. After that we gobbled up the cake and started playing with the sparklers. Some of them were hard to light up, but it was so fun because we were being lame and doing stupid things, and she was recording some videos, which was so nice! We lit up the fireworks too and was in awe of it, even though it ended so fast. I was happy we got a little one because I've never played with those before, since it's banned in Singapore. So definitely was something really really nice. Once all the sparklers were gone, we started playing with the bubbles. I swear, we act like we just turned 5. 

We decided to walk back to her place at about 2am and got some food and drinks on the way. We wanted to stay out to talk but it started to drizzle, so we just went to her place. We stayed up till about 6am when I left to go home.

I got home at about 7am but didn't sleep till about 10am. I met up with her later on again in the late afternoon for dinner! But first, we went to Silkream because I really wanted nice dessert on my birthday. I decided to get the most expensive one they had since it was a special occasion, and oh my god, it was so good. There's parfait, a mini waffle filled with fruits and at the bottom of the parfait, there was still cheesecake! :3 Made me so happy.

We walked to Harajuku after that because I wanted to go to the rooftop at GYRE but it was drizzling, so we didn't spend too long there. She took videos and I just played with the bubbles. We went to A to Z Cafe for dinner. This time I got the rice bowl with tuna and cod roe, she got the chicken with salad. But the tuna and cod roe was actually really good. We just chilled there, and was just talking like any other ordinary day. Later on, she got dessert and I ordered fries. We stayed there till about 10ish and decided to go back to Shibuya to take some purikura!

But the purikura didn't turn out cute at all, I'm not a big fan of purikura on top of it, so it was kind of a bummer. We ended the day just by talking near Hachiko like we always do.

This birthday was actually a really nice one and reminded me of the things we did last Christmas. We were so happy because we had each other. It was so simple but it made me happier. The simplest things are always the best. I honestly don't think my other birthdays would be this special, this was one of the best ones. It's so simple and I'm so happy.

edit : Yuri finished making a short video for my birthday. ^^ I really liked the Kamakura one more maybe because I was so happy back then, but this one is pretty nice too.

150. thread dance

Yesterday was the third day in a row heading out to Shibuya, met up with Hajime for the first time. We've been following each other on tumblr for almost two years, we started talking to each other on there because of our love for indigo la End. We met up at Tower Records and went for lunch at Silkream, this time I just got dessert because I wasn't in the mood for a heavy meal. 

After lunch, he brought me to the Shibuya LAD MUSICIAN store. I've only been to the one in Harajuku. He introduced me to the staff there, the guy at the store yesterday was the one that's always snapped for the brand. He's actually better looking in person and he was nice too, so I was really surprised. It's funny because that LAD store is in the same area Yuri and I always hang out but we just never walk to that street, there were actually plenty of cool shops there. I'll probably go back another day to look around.

After that, we went to Tsutaya and was just looking at some books and cds. I always love getting to know a person that way, looking at books and showing each other what we like, and also, with music, just talking about what you listen to in middle school, high school and even now. He was telling me about how he used to like visual kei back in junior high but now he mostly listens to indie. Also mostly telling me how there isn't that many cute little boutiques in Chicago. 

After that we walked to Harajuku, to the other LAD store. I decided to buy new shoes because my creepers are dying. It has been dying since last August and I haven't found a suitable one to replace it because most of my outfits fit it so well. Ended up buying yet another pair from Tokyo Boppers. It's still my favorite shoe brand and it was cool yesterday at the store because the guy was actually making the platforms and I was just watching him make it. We both agreed that the girl that helped me with the shoes was really cute. 

We also went to the Comme des Garcons Trading Museum at GYRE. I always walk pass that building but never go into it. -__- I love the leather jackets display there, so pretty. I know close to nothing about fashion but obviously love looking at things I can never afford. We also went to the 1LDK and MoMa Design store. He took me to the rooftop of GYRE, which had such a pretty view of Harajuku and you can actually see Tower Records from there. 

We talked for a little bit there while watching the sunset, I was surprised he knew who Felix is. I told him that we were friends and I met him last November in Kyoto. So funny how the world is so small. Mostly talked about Chicago and Melbourne, was a little strange talking about Chicago, Illinois especially because my ex is from there. I haven't talked to anyone about Chicago since him, but obviously I didn't tell Hajime about the ex, it would make him feel weird. We spent a good time on the rooftop and went to Opening Ceremony after that.

After some more window shopping, we were getting hungry so I took him to A to Z Cafe, since he likes Yoshitomo Nara as well. I was starving, I ordered a salad and the rice bowl with braised pork belly. He ordered beer and hamburger steak. There we started talking about relationship problems, his problem with a girl back in Chicago is almost the same situation I have right now. It was so nice to talk about personal stuff as well, because before that we were mostly talking about bands, artists and all that, which is also nice, but to let out frustration about the things that were actually bothering us is another thing.

We started walking back to Shibuya at about 9ish, when he told me he's also in band and has been playing drums for about 11 years and guitar for 2. I swear, I can't run away from band guys, I give up. Once back in Shibuya, we were sitting somewhere around Hachiko where one of the big screens was playing the promotional video for the guy that I'm having problems with, so I just showed Haji that he's the drummer of that band. He was so funny, he was like :O and told me he looks cool. I told nah, he's not that cool and showed him that guy's line display picture and Haji started laughing and said he IS a dork, which made me laugh so hard. 

We parted ways at almost 11 and probably meeting again to go to Odaiba. Honestly, I was pretty worried with how this outing would turn out but I actually enjoyed myself and glad he did too. It's funny all the people I actually have fun with are the people I met on Tumblr. First of course is Yuri, then Felix (which I haven't even wrote about since last November! Maybe a throwback?), Elaine, who I went to Shimokitazawa with and fan girl over THE NOVEMBERS and now Hajime. 

Funny how things always turn out. Tomorrow is my birthday and I just hope, I have a nice simple quiet one. I just don't want to think about the unnecessary.

149. greener

Today I went to meet up with Nana who I haven't seen in almost 2 years. I was a little worried as to how it would turn out because we have known each other for 10 years but we've both changed so much over time, I was thinking if we would have things to talk about, let alone get along. I met her in Shibuya and brought her to my favourite places because everyone keeps asking me where I get that nice dessert.

We went to Silkream for lunch first, and ended up only getting pasta because both of us were craving for crepes instead, and she was telling me she didn't know where had good ones. So I brought her to my favourite one in Harajuku. I got the Matcha ice-cream and cheesecake as usual, it's my love. Then, brought her to the salon because she wanted to get her hair done badly. Ended up spending almost 4 hours because of cutting, bleaching and dying her hair. Also got my bangs cut again because it was getting too long.

Since it was already going to be 9 and most places were closing or closed, we decided to go to Tower Records Cafe. They were having a Rilakumma special menu, so we both just ordered curry rice and she ordered cheesecake after that. I don't really like Rilakumma but the food was cute :3

Hanging out with her was better than I expected because we were just talking about all the crazy things we did when we were 14 and 15. Chasing Taiwanese boy bands, going to their concerts, passing out in the middle of nowhere, not only with her but with Steph, Rachel and a few more other friends. Steph was actually talking to me on Facebook while I was with Nana, which she thought was funny too. Hopefully she can come visit us in August, I would be happy if the 3 of us could get to hang out again because all of us have been in different parts of the world for the last couple of years, it would be nice to have a "reunion" if you would say.

Can't believe it'll be another rotation around the sun and I'll be a quarter of a century this Friday. It's crazy because I met up with Nana today and was just reminiscing our teenage life. It feels like centuries ago... and I know I would never do those crazy things again. Feels weird, a little lonely and sad all at the same time. It's hard to explain it. 

This week will be packed and I'm actually looking forward to it. :)

148. limbo

I've finally found some places that I like in Singapore, it's a fucking miracle! Little sis's work place is located in a really nice quiet neighborhood and I really do enjoy it. Though there is a chokehold of hipsters, I can easily ignore people. 

The last week was spent back in Sunny Singapore with the family. Little sis has finally graduated from University and I'm so proud of her. Being back here made me realise some things, this place that I can never call my home, is actually a safe place for me - or what I like to call it, limbo. 

I know for sure if I stay here for too long, I can never be happy but I won't get hurt as much or at all. All I feel when I'm here is numb. Sometimes, it's better to when there's a series of unfortunate events and I just need to heal, this place is perfect for it. I don't know how to deal with all the things that have been happening lately because it just doesn't make sense in my head. I'm not so much as mad at him, it's more like I'm mad at the situation and what the fuck is the world trying to do to me. 

I'll be heading back to Japan in a few hours, it's strange but even with the mess right now, I know I am happier there. I know I should stay away from guys but it seems like it's impossible. Things just keep popping up and I can't do anything about it. I don't know what to think anymore, at one point I was so sure of what I want, who I want, but right now, all I have in my head is  "So... what now?"

I know one thing is for sure, and that one thing that I always and will always want is happiness.

147. the grand budapest hotel

"You see, there are still faint glimmers of civilisation left in this barbaric slaughterhouse

 that was once known as humanity. Indeed that's what we provide in our own modest, 

humble, insignificant... oh, fuck it."

The Grand Budapest Hotel (2014), Wes Anderson 

source

I finally got to watch this film on my flight back home even though it was censored at some parts, I still really enjoyed it, I was so immersed in this world, it really took my mind off things. I didn't have the time to catch it in cinemas before I left for Japan, so I'm glad I finally could see it on the plane.

Thank you Mr. Anderson, for this wonderful film.

146. gone

I'll be going home for a couple of days and I honestly think the time can't be any more perfect. I need to clear my head and heart and come back to Tokyo with a fresh start once again. Today I woke up and felt much better about things, because when I think about it,  I know that I haven't done anything wrong in all the horrible situations that happened during the last few months. If I did, all the people that hurt me wouldn't still be in my life.

Going back will be good so I can slowly figure out what I want for myself.

The thought about that country still irks me to some extent. I don't think anyone would understand how much I hate it. Whenever people ask me where I am from, I say Australia because I am Australian on paper and passport, but to ask my ethnicity and where my family is from really annoys me. I don't like to be associated with that country, so now on, I'll just tell them to guess but I'll never say unless we become friends.

Hopefully the rest of 2014 will be good to me and I can't believe my birthday is so soon. It'll be another successful rotation around the sun and I think all I wanna do on that day is to be out with friends drinking.

145. this mess

I've been spending some time away from my place because of the things that have been happening recently.

Sunday I went down to Hiyoshi to meet up with Yuri because I really needed to talk to someone, or rather, just have someone with me. We didn't plan on it but we spent the night out just near her place, talking about guys and love in general. Sometimes, I feel so stupid to even talk about that subject but she's the only one I could ever talk to about or as she call it, boy troubles.

We were sitting near the spot where we were at Christmas last year and I felt so nostalgic remembering how happy we were making wishes and eating Christmas cake on that winter night. We were freezing our asses off but we were so happy, because all we needed was each other. I wish we could be like that again but our lives have changed so much.

We stayed out till about 3am and went back to her place and knocked out at about 4am but being me, I couldn't sleep till about 6am. 

†††††† 

The next day, I still didn't want to leave her so we just talked some more at her place and decided to go to Shibuya in the evening. We decided to go to a cafe we haven't been before and had basil chicken paninis! It was really good since we didn't want to do the usual stuff. After that, we were thinking of going somewhere else but gave up on that idea and settled at Tower Records Cafe once again. We were getting sleepy by about 11pm and decided to walk to the train station.

But when we got to the train station, Yuri came up with the craziest idea and asked me if I wanted to stay out for another night. I was a little hesitant because I didn't get enough sleep but I was like "fuck ittttt". So we went to the konbini and got some alcohol first, and slowly walked down to Harajuku, sharing the bottle. I got a pack of cigarettes again but I think this time, I'm really done with smoking. Those cancer sticks don't make me happy anymore.

I didn't notice but I was drinking a lot and so fast, I got buzzed so quickly and everything started spinning. So I decided to stop, and Yuri and I were just sitting around Cat Street and talking where I got so upset (thanks to the alcohol), and started cursing and venting to her about that guy. I was showing her all the text messages he sent and was half crying because I didn't know what else to feel.

After being a while at Harajuku, we decided to walk back to Shibuya to go to Rockaholic. On the way there, a bunch of random guys approached us and asked us to get drinks with them. We were hesitant and since they said one drink, we just thought, why not. I really wasn't in the mood to entertain people to be perfectly honest. So I kept quiet most of the time. Then when they asked if we had boyfriends, I just kept quiet again. After the drinks, Yuri and I still wanted to go to Rockaholic, so two of the guys followed us but later on decided they wanted to head back. (Glad they did lol)

Once inside Rockaholic, Yuri asked me if I wanted to go to another bar where she went with this guy. And I said sure since we weren't really feeling Rockaholic either. So when we got there, Yuri introduced me to the staff and they were so nice. When Yuri went to the bathroom, they asked me which band I liked and of course I said lynch. and they asked me which song and I said Until I Die, and they played it for me. They were sooooo nice and I really appreciated it because I've never been to any bar in Japan where they played lynch. and of course, since I was trying to get over stuff, lynch. is the number one thing I always run to, to block out emotions. It was so nice to just drink, smoke and listen to them. They even played my all time favorite, an illusion. Really thankful Yuri brought me there and the guys left.

We were drinking there till the first train, and I really liked the bar. But I really don't think I would go there with anyone else, only Yuri. This is one of the few things that we like to keep to ourselves.

Yuri was a little tipsy after that, so I was taking care of her as we walked to the train station, and finally headed home. I was so tired when I got home but even after a nice hot shower, I still couldn't sleep. I didn't fall asleep until about 8am.

††††††

On Tuesday, got up and was having so much fun talking to Yuri about the past and how we first started talking to each other on Skype when the guy I spent two nights to get over (and was completely over), texted me to go to his show and support his band. At that moment,  I was so mad again because he always does this. When I am completely over him, he always comes around. This is the second or I think maybe even the third time he has done this.

So, I went to the event and after that, we created a mess out of things and only made things more complicated than it should be. I was talking again to Yuri once I got back home. I am honestly so angry at him because it is entirely his fault and I'm glad he realises it and apologised. I don't know what to make out of it and even after all the mess we have created, I still don't want to lose him. I've never been more honest to myself and especially on this blog.

This morning I woke up and felt like horrible when I didn't even do anything wrong. It just reminded me of the situation I was in two years ago with another guy that I really cared about, the only difference is that, that guy didn't apologise and jumped to conclusions, but at the end of the day, I still regretted not trying to get him back in my life. That guy was the only one that understood me so well, and made me feel things I've never felt for anyone in a long time.

With the current one, it's almost the same and I tell myself it's so stupid to still want him in my life but it would be stupider to just let him go because I know and I've learnt from my mistake that I'll regret if I don't do something about it. Right now, we are in this limbo where we don't know what we are and thanks to him for making things more complicated than it actually was. I'm so confused, I've been pacing up and down the house for the entire day with my music on so loud trying to get over him but I just can't.