343. i'm here, again.

It's fall. 

I find myself wanting to talk about my life way less than I did before. I don't like sharing as much as I used to, it seems. I still come back here from time and time and as I was scrolling through this blog the other night, I can't believe it's been 5 years since I've started writing in here. The only thing I actually miss about writing is when I write about gems that I've found that really inspired me. 

Life has been good to me this year. I hardly have time to myself anymore, so when I do, I like to just be home in Tokyo. Doodle, sketch, write, listen to good music, cook and just be on my own. It's been a while since I've had a couple of days to myself. 

I've been really productive with work and I have to go on shoots again soon. 

One thing I'll like to share though was that the convention in September was a good start for me. I didn't expect to receive that much support and people were genuinely nice to me. I guess this was what I was missing when I was living in Singapore, a positive environment. It's too late now to move back. 

Speaking of moving, I'll be moving out of my Tachikawa apartment soon and it just hit me that by March 2018, it will be 3 years since I've lived in this cozy apartment. As much as I really love my home, I feel like my life is moving forward and changing and I'm ready for the next chapter in my life. Though I won't be living in Tokyo anymore, I'll still be nearby so I hope to come back as much as I can.

This week has been eventful, in just a week - actually in just 5 days, I got to see all my favorite Japanese bands. lynch. , Crystal Lake and THE NOVEMBERS. 

It's been a while since I've seen other bands. As much as I love lynch. , I need a break from them too and I feel like that is the reason why I've started listening to Dir En Grey so often. It's not a replacement because no one can ever replace lynch. , but I've been around them so much, I just need something else before I go insane. At their Osaka show, I got so bored, I was actually staring at the backdrop and the ceiling instead of the band. :/ Sorry.

Going to see Crystal Lake again felt really nostalgic for me but so much has changed in a year for them that the reason why I loved them so much in the first place is no longer there, so I don't need to see them anymore. Seeing THE NOVEMBERS again was an entirely different story, I haven't lost myself in music for such a long time, it felt so good to see them again. I finally got to see them play my favorite song dysphoria in full this time. I should really go check out new bands but I'm always going back and forth Nagoya and Tokyo now, it's almost impossible to. 

Tomorrow I'm going to see my friends' band play and next Sunday too. Finally. 

Some friends that I haven't seen in years are back in Tokyo and I can't wait to meet them too. 

It's nice to have time to myself like this, sometimes. 

December looks crazy again, life.

My life has gotten so crazy since I've met you.

342. kept

It has been a week since tour ended, last Friday was the final show for lynch.'s THE SINNER STRIKES BACK tour. This tour was a lot of fun, probably the most I have ever had on any tour. Two weeks ago, I was in Osaka and Nagoya as well for the semi-final shows. I found some time in between shows to travel a bit and went to Kyoto, Kobe, Toyota, Toyohashi, and Shizuoka. My first for most places, I didn't really plan out a schedule but since the boyfriend drives, he suggested some places during his off days.

The ending of the tour was bittersweet. I got so used to seeing my favorite band so often, it felt a little strange that I won't be able to see them for a bit again. This new release is actually my favorite out of all their releases in the last 3 years. I don't know if it's the memories attached to it now or if it's just a good EP. But for sure, KALEIDO definitely brought back some old feelings for this band. It's a song that I can listen to all night, there hasn't been any lynch. song in the last couple of years that has made me feel that way.

I was really happy in Osaka because I got to meet some friends, Kyoko and Toshi. I don't see PALM that often anymore because my life has changed quite a bit, so I try to see them whenever I get the chance to. I really want to see them live soon. I was glad to see Kyoko again because we had more time to talk and it seems like we have a lot in common other than our birthday.

I hope to write more but I haven't found the time. I'm just summarizing my thoughts now so that I don't forget how happy and content I currently am. You know that feeling when you're so happy that you just feel like dancing all the time? Yeah, that's me. And I don't dance. Like. Ever.

There were so many good things on this tour. So many firsts. I think my favorite show was actually on my birthday because like I mentioned in the last post, I finally finally finally (yes, I repeated it 3 times for emphasis) got to see my favorite band and person I love the most on my special day. I think being away from Tokyo helped too honestly. Sapporo was fun despite the rain. Thank you for choosing the show to be on my birthday.

Also, on this tour, I got to talk about my work and discuss some possible plans in future. I'm happy that the people I like, like my work too. If I could help them in any way, I am more than happy to.

I was talking to the boyfriend and said: "Lately, life feels like a dream." He asked me " Have you found your happiness?" I smiled and said, " I think I have found it." It's funny that he asked that question because the only one that has ever told me to "Find my happiness" is my mom, and she always said " No matter with who, no matter where you are, as long as you are happy, that is all that matters." I don't want to go all mushy but I really love this person.

You know for once in my life, I finally am starting to believe in myself a little bit more and that I deserve happiness. It took me so long to find someone that believes in me as much as I believe in him. I have always had unsupportive boyfriends who throw my art on the ground, who don't appreciate my art, who tell me I am not good enough, who make me feel inferior to them, who stop me from meeting people but this one is so supportive, even his friends support me. I'm so grateful to finally have people like this in my life. Not to forget my friends and everyone else who has believed in me from the beginning even before I got together with this person. I'm eternally grateful.

sanatoriium is... honestly the only thing in my life I believe in.

Because of it, I get to meet and hang out with people that I've always wanted. It even led me to my love. I'm really content with the current photo shoots, I had one last Sunday and another next week. Next month, I'll have the convention then I'll be on a family vacation then it'll be back to work.

This tour has actually given me a lot of inspiration, so I hope I can draw something good. My schedule lately is really jam packed, so I haven't had the time to sit down and really think things through. I guess I had too much fun on the tour that I got sick. I've been staying home for the last two days to recover and do some work but from tomorrow, it'll be packed again until I come back from Bali next month.

I just realized how little time I spend in Tokyo now. It's crazy. When I come back in fall, I won't be spending that much time in Tokyo again but I'm really looking forward to spending Halloween in Nagoya with my love.

Till then...

(I still hope I can find the time to blog... and I seriously need to blog for my website. Save me.)

341. twenty eight

For the last couple of years or maybe even more, my birthday was that one day of the year that I absolutely dreaded. I feel like, I'm always disappointed the most on my birthday so I stopped hoping. I sound so dramatic and pessimistic but the number of times I've been disappointed on this actual day really got to me. Especially spending my birthday at the hospital 2 years ago really made me believe that my birthdays were cursed.

But this year, I finally got what I have always wished for. I don't ask for much, all I want is to spend my birthday with someone I love or to see my favorite band. I got them both this year and it felt like a dream. I remember poking my boyfriend and said " you're here, you're really here! " and he just stared at me and thought I was weird and said I seem happy. Well, I was. Maybe a little too happy.

It was already decided months ago that I'll fly out to Sapporo to celebrate my birthday, so I left for Sapporo on Monday. I didn't do anything much on Monday but just eat because it was raining so heavily.

At midnight, he surprised me with a small gift and was playing the guitar in our room, singing to me while I was drinking my beer, almost drunk. From the start of 18th July, it already felt like a dream maybe I was too tired from not sleeping the night before that everything seemed a little hazy or maybe because I just couldn't believe I had everything I wanted and it was only 1 in the morning. 

We woke up early the next day to get some breakfast at a cute cafe and went to get some good coffee nearby. The coffee at Baristart Coffee was so good because of the milk. The both of us chose their specialty milk and went back to the venue.

He was worried I was bored because he had work to do that day, but I was genuinely happy just being with him. I was talking to one of his friends about introducing to me new music but it seems like we have exactly the same taste. So all the bands he was telling me, I already knew. We were also deciding the playlist for BGM, I added some Royal Blood and Northlane. 

The second part of my birthday only began at 7 pm, which was to see my favorite band - lynch. This time, I got to stand in the front, so I was really happy to see them play. I think I haven't been standing in the front at their shows for more than a year now. So, it felt new again. Today's setlist was pretty good. I was just happy they didn't play songs I didn't like, IE : LIGHTNING, UNELMA etc.

2017.07.18 札幌 KRAPS HALL GUILLOTINE

A post shared by lynch. 葉月 (@lynch_hazuki) on Jul 18, 2017 at 5:41am PDT

Every time Hazuki says "Bye Bye" in GUILOTTINE makes me laugh, since 3 years ago? I really love KALEIDO live so much because of the extra ending bits they added to the song. The encore was so nice today because it was all my favorite songs: EVILLY, VANISH, INVADER, A GLEAM IN EYE.

After the show, we went to get soup curry but it was only the two of us because everyone else, actually also including him, doesn't like spicy food. He just went with me since it was my birthday. We went to drink for a little bit before getting back to our room.

We didn't have to get up early the next day since check out was at 12, so we went for lunch and he drove to the mountains nearby for the view before I headed to the airport to get back to Tokyo. The weather that day was perfect, I wished I could have stayed longer but I had some plans in Tokyo already. He drove me to the airport which made it harder to leave because we won't see each other until August. I have a love-hate relationship with airports almost everywhere I go.

I think it was the first time in a long time that I've felt this happy. Especially for my birthday. The both of us were probably too happy because we put on weight in just three days in Sapporo. But, this was probably the best birthday I have had in the last decade, so thank you to everyone for spending it with me, especially him. I can't wait to see him in August now.

August has always been my favorite month since a decade ago because that was when I found myself and I can't believe it is 10 years later and I am still looking forward to August.

340. sleep paralysis

I'm heading back to Tokyo tonight already and I still haven't written anything worthwhile in the last two months, now I'm starting to believe some of my drafts will never see the light of day.

I've been busy for the last two weeks meeting friends, spending time with the fam and getting some work done. If there is anything worthwhile to write about, it's definitely gotta be about my tattoos.

On Monday, 3rd July, I had an appointment with Nadi for a tattoo. I was planning to go to Seoul at the end of the year but it looks like I don't have to anymore. Nadi was a guest artist at Bada Bink Tattoo in Singapore for just a couple of days last week. So I decided to get some work done by her when I saw her post on Instagram.

I wanted to get something related to sleep paralysis because I have been having it for almost a decade now. Sleep paralysis is not dangerous but it affected me a lot when I was going through depression. It happened almost every night and I didn't want to sleep because of it. My art and work revolves mostly around my dreams, nightmares and especially that place I call in between sleep and awake.

I had a consultation with Nadi first and she drew some designs for about an hour and we started after everything was nicely set up. The reference pictures she chose for me were really spot on and suit my taste really well. Little sis was surprised as well, haha.

We started talking more after she saw my other tattoos by Greem and Hugo. We shared horror stories which were pretty funny. This tattoo hurt A LOT since it is on my inner arm, probably my most painful one yet. We ended the session at close to 5pm. Chilled for a little bit with Nadi before heading for dinner, she was really sweet and easy to talk to. I gave her a set of my stickers and she said I should consider being a tattoo artist as well because my work will look nice as tattoos. She was really encouraging, so it felt really nice. I'm always happy to meet artists and it makes me much much much happier when they like my work too.

Again, female tattoo artists are *__* I'm always in awe. 

Also, I really love my tattoo by her.

I really love how she designed it so that you can look at it vertically and horizontally. It looks better horizontally to me. The hands grabbing the girl's legs are my favorite part of the tattoo. I wanted some red thread kinda linking the girl and the "sleep paralysis demon", so that explains the red on this piece.

If anything, I feel more inspired. I've been drawing a lot more lately but it's mostly not up to my standard, I think my mind is kind of burnt out after drawing 5 designs in a go. But I won't stop. 

As usual, I  wanted to get two tattoos but I'm saving that for the future. (and also when I can think of something else). 

--------

Can't believe two months just flew by like that. Even though I was really productive, I also felt like I didn't do anything at the same time. I'm happy to be heading back to Tokyo tonight but at the same time, I'm so lazy to get on that plane.

I just have to tell myself I get to see the person I love and everyone I care about when I get back to Tokyo. I can't wait to go on tour too, but first, the show in Saitama on Tuesday has got me really excited. Nothing makes me happier than seeing my favorite band.

I guess I will be writing from Tokyo once again on the next post. 

x

339. a break a pause

I used up most of my time in May getting work done and sending my designs to the printers. Pretty pleased with how productive I can be when I really concentrate. So, now I am just waiting on my stuff to be made and arrive. It's nice to take a little break from drawing sometimes so now I am just doing that. I started painting again just to relax. I am almost sure I will start doing up designs again once I see my merch.

Lately, I have been really into more soothing sounds and I don't crave metal or heavy music that much. I like to think that it's because I am not angry anymore that's why I don't have the need to drown things out. Or maybe I am just getting older? But anyways, things have been really peaceful lately and I like it this way.  Once I get back to Tokyo next month, my "quiet chaos" of a schedule will begin again. 

I still have some writing to do for sanatoriium.com and make new listings of my new merchandise. I don't have stock right now so I am pushing it until next week to do all the online stuff. Since I have more time now, hopefully, I can update this blog on what I have been doing for the last couple of months. I have all these photos on my laptop and phone that I just want to dump somewhere to remind myself to explore new places.

More exciting things to come after the convention as well!

I can't wait to tour next month and August. I really can't. wait.

can't wait to see my love again.